THE FEMALE CONDOM

For those ladies who have been proxy to the benefits of the female condom, you will agree that in principle - it's a great concept. No longer do we have to poison our bodies with potentially harmful contraceptive pills but more importantly, we are no longer obligated to rely on the common sense of the male of the species to provide adequate methods of protection from unwanted pregnancy and unpleasant infections.

Gone are the days of the Dutch Cap and pessary - the belt and braces passion killers of the 80's and 90's. No more fumbling in handbags for the discreet little Pringles-shaped box and the horror of realising you inserted it inside out. No more spermicidal pessaries melting in your orifice and running down your leg as a result of not getting the meat into the pot quick enough.

Forget those agonising visits to your G.P. to have an intra-urinary device fitted, and recoiling in horror as he comes at you with a foot long knitting needle with a piece of catgut tied to the end of it, and realising that that thing is going into your womb - without anaesthetic.

The female condom was a revolution. But a simple solution?

For those of you who have never used a female condom, the design is very much the same as the male version - just bigger. It's appearance is much like that of a traditional wind-sock. One end fits neatly into the vagina, leaving a large rim outside, which should (unless you have flaps the size of a Boeing 747) fit flat against the labia. The penis fits neatly into the bag, and lovemaking commences as normal. (Or not - depending on your inclinations.)

It is wise to disregard the loud crinkling noises as the penis moves back and forth into the condom. For some people it is extremely off-putting, but for others it is no more irritating than having someone sit behind you in the movie theatre rustling a bag of chips.
Removal is simple, just grip hold of the outer rim and pull. The condom will slip out effortlessly.

Unlike the male condom whereby the semen is collected in the sac, caution must be exercised when removing the female condom. Do not stand up immediately after the male has ejaculated. You will get semen all over the place. The 'pull and lift' method must be put into operation if all the ejaculatory fluid is to remain in the bag and not on the floor.

Do not attempt to flush the condom. It will float. These condoms are not suitable for use as headwear or impromptu water-balloons. The composition is entirely different from that of the male sheath.

The female condom never really took off, which is a great shame, as the principle was sound. Personally I think that unless one has a polythene fetish, in which case these condoms are an absolute must, one should stick to the more traditional methods of contraception like having the kids sleep in the same bed, or your mother-in-law sleeping in the next room.

Both of these methods have proved invaluable when all else fails.