CUT LOAVES

I have a preference for cut loaves. That means quite simply, I prefer my men to be circumcised. It may interest you to know, that in Britain, circumcision is the exception rather than the rule. Unless you are Jewish or have a medical problem which facilitates the need for foreskin removal, all men wear the beige-coloured overcoat.

To find a man with his frontal forelimb stripped and polished, is akin to finding a cock-ring in the Queen's handbag. It quite simply doesn't happen. To save myself the bother of looking for men with ringlets, a big nose, and the Star of David swinging from his neck, which outside of London's Golders Green is like looking for a brain cell in idiot, I almost exclusively date men of Middle Eastern of Mediterranean origin.

In the extremely unlikely event that I stumble across a British male that tickles my proverbial fancy I will not tactfully request a full examination of his wedding tackle, but will ensure that the conversation is tastefully drawn toward religious beliefs and practices. "Oh, and by the way did you know that all Muslim men are circumcised?"

I am a very visual woman, and tactile. In the same way that I do not like to look at or touch raw meat, I do not like the feel or the look of baggy foreskin. Male genitalia is not attractive. If you have ever had the misfortune to look upon an uncut loaf, you will see that this only serves to exacerbate the problem. The male pendulum and clockweights should be made to appear as attractive as possible. A male will take the trouble to groom himself, but it is an unfortunately a fact that his happy lamp is often sadly neglected.

Uncut loaves harbour nasty germs. It is medical fact that the circumcised male will suffer far less from urinary infections, than the un-circumcised male. If the male is not particularly scrupulous with regard to personal hygiene, these nasty germs will enter the urinary tract, and you - if you are indiscriminate. Smegma, better known as foreskin feta, will accumulate underneath Kojak's roll-neck and result in a very nasty infection if the male is not scrupulous in performing his personal ablutions.

A cut loaf is visually far more pleasing. If the surrounding area and clockweights are shaven or trimmed, the result makes for far more enjoyable and adventurous sexual relations. A sagging worm in a beige overcoat, poking his nose out of an untrimmed bush, is quite simply, off-putting.

Sex with a kosher dill is far more sensitive. One can see what one is going to get. One can actually feel what one is getting. Sex with an uncut loaf is rather like being fucked by a sausage roll. The sausage moves in and out - but the roll stays inside.