LOVE SICK

LOVE is a complicated affliction which strikes when least expected. It manifests itself in several different ways, and initially, the sufferer is totally unaware that he or she is stricken. Once it has taken hold, the sufferer will experience a wide variety of physical symptoms including rapid heartbeat and increased libido. Emotional symtoms are often present, which increase in severity with time, and will eventually inhibit normal functioning of the brain.

The sufferer will lose the ability to concentrate and become preoccupied and emotional. He or she will often enter a fugue-like state, which results in long periods of staring into space, oblivious to his or her surrounding environment. Increased, and often compulsive attention to personal hygiene will be displayed, especially in males. Irrational thought patterns will be prevalent, and mood swings will be experienced - ranging from unexplained euphoria, to abject misery. There will be a rapid decline in the ability to reason, and logic will quite often disappear completely.

When the affliction peaks, more extreme symptoms will become obvious. The sufferer will often become uninhibited, and sexual intercourse will regularly be performed in public places - like car parks. It is not unusual for the sufferer to seek release in movie theaters, alleyways, and other peoples' bathrooms. Anal sex is a strong indication that the female is over-anxious to please her mate. This symptom will steadily decrease and wear off completely in time. The same applies to oral sex, role play, and the use of electronic stimulators.

It is usual, after the initial peak, for the symptoms to ease. The sufferer will then begin to experience a new set of symptoms. Spite, bitchiness, and often intense dislike will be displayed. It is likely around this time that the libido will decrease and the male will begin to feel rejected and feel obligated to direct his attentions elsewhere.

It is usual for the female to experience negative feelings like jealousy and anger around this time. Released from her fugue-like state, she will begin to seriously question her judgement. Her brain will begin to function semi-normally, and her concentration levels will increase dramatically. She will still suffer from irrationality and unexplained mood swings, however scientific studies have shown that these complaints are likely to be present until maturity and beyond, regardless of whether the person is afflicted or not.

LOVE is an extremely difficult condition to cure. Regular sexual intercourse with someone you like will drastically reduce the likelihood of you falling prey to this debilitating condition. Periodic use of the several masturbatory techniques available would guarantee complete immunity.

THE FEMALE CONDOM

For those ladies who have been proxy to the benefits of the female condom, you will agree that in principle - it's a great concept. No longer do we have to poison our bodies with potentially harmful contraceptive pills but more importantly, we are no longer obligated to rely on the common sense of the male of the species to provide adequate methods of protection from unwanted pregnancy and unpleasant infections.

Gone are the days of the Dutch Cap and pessary - the belt and braces passion killers of the 80's and 90's. No more fumbling in handbags for the discreet little Pringles-shaped box and the horror of realising you inserted it inside out. No more spermicidal pessaries melting in your orifice and running down your leg as a result of not getting the meat into the pot quick enough.

Forget those agonising visits to your G.P. to have an intra-urinary device fitted, and recoiling in horror as he comes at you with a foot long knitting needle with a piece of catgut tied to the end of it, and realising that that thing is going into your womb - without anaesthetic.

The female condom was a revolution. But a simple solution?

For those of you who have never used a female condom, the design is very much the same as the male version - just bigger. It's appearance is much like that of a traditional wind-sock. One end fits neatly into the vagina, leaving a large rim outside, which should (unless you have flaps the size of a Boeing 747) fit flat against the labia. The penis fits neatly into the bag, and lovemaking commences as normal. (Or not - depending on your inclinations.)

It is wise to disregard the loud crinkling noises as the penis moves back and forth into the condom. For some people it is extremely off-putting, but for others it is no more irritating than having someone sit behind you in the movie theatre rustling a bag of chips.
Removal is simple, just grip hold of the outer rim and pull. The condom will slip out effortlessly.

Unlike the male condom whereby the semen is collected in the sac, caution must be exercised when removing the female condom. Do not stand up immediately after the male has ejaculated. You will get semen all over the place. The 'pull and lift' method must be put into operation if all the ejaculatory fluid is to remain in the bag and not on the floor.

Do not attempt to flush the condom. It will float. These condoms are not suitable for use as headwear or impromptu water-balloons. The composition is entirely different from that of the male sheath.

The female condom never really took off, which is a great shame, as the principle was sound. Personally I think that unless one has a polythene fetish, in which case these condoms are an absolute must, one should stick to the more traditional methods of contraception like having the kids sleep in the same bed, or your mother-in-law sleeping in the next room.

Both of these methods have proved invaluable when all else fails.

A TRIP AROUND THE HORN

The Horn is a precarious place to be when one is travelling single handed. To arrive at ones destination solo, takes a determined adventurer, such are the perils of this treacherous route.

With a hand to the helm, one must navigate maps that one has hurriedly drawn up in the event of emergencies, such as when the crew is lost, or down with scurvy, and attempt to jump from spot A to G in as short a time as possible without encountering the inevitable pitfalls. Full steam ahead is not the wisest of choices to make under these circumstances, as it is highly likely you will end up back at A without careful orienteering, and encounter much frustration.

Plan your route carefully - still waters run deep, and it is therefore wise to be prepared for all eventualities. One must not only be adept at navigational skills to conquer The Horn. One must be ready to encounter a variety of conditions, for example, it may be too wet, or too dry to forge ahead regardless. In wet conditions it is advisable to swab the decks regularly, as if ones foremast or ones scupper becomes too slippery, one could be prone to a nasty accident. Dry conditions are worse. Cracked and dehydrated fingers can become rough and calloused, and no good whatsoever when attempting to maneouver either a longboat or a frigate.

There is no requirement to use a sou'wester in wet conditions. These can become heavy and cumbersome and waterlogged very quickly. Ease of movement is the key.
Providing one remains sensible and coherent, ones trip around The Horn should be pleasurable and trouble free. It is always wise to begin with a full accompaniment of fuel, as you could lose the odd dribble on the way, however this is not always possible. Rest assured, when one eventually reaches spot G, it will be plain sailing from thereon in.
Bon Voyage!

LOOKING AFTER YOUR PUSSY

Pussies come in all shapes and sizes. Fat ones, thin ones, fluffy ones, and bald ones. Pussies are very sensitive. The slightest touch will arouse your pussy. Your pussy will stretch to accommodate your light caresses and the stroke of your fingertips. Your pussy is your friend. Many intimate moments are spent playing with your pussy. Pussies are excitable, and will grip your fingers tightly if the play gets a little too rough. Some pussies dribble when they are excited. All pussies will be unresponsive if they are bored or lack stimulation. You must stimulate your pussy or it will become lethargic.

Regular stimulation, either with fingers or toys will provide your pussy with the stimulus it requires to remain fit and healthy. A neglected pussy is not a happy pussy. Remember to keep your pussy entertained. Pussy toys are cheap to buy, and are widely available - though most pussies will respond to a tickle or the stroke of a hand, some pussies require additional stimuli. Battery operated pussy toys come in all manner of guises. My personal favourite is 'The Rabbit'. My pussy loves this toy - and starts to dribble the moment I switch it on. Always remember to keep a supply of batteries to hand - your pussy will not be happy if the fun stops halfway through.

All pussies respond to love. Your pussy will respond by returning your love unconditionally, and will give you an unlimited source of pleasure - any time of the day or night. Treat your pussy with respect - and your pussy will react accordingly. Pussies that spit and urinate at inappropriate times are not pleasant. If your pussy spits when you touch it - try spending time caressing and stroking with your fingers. Don't rush into things - take it nice and slow. I guarantee your pussy will react positively to this much gentler method of stimulation and refrain from inappropriate, untimely spitting. Incontinent pussies are over-stimulated. Try not to stimulate your pussy too aggressively. It will cause your pussy to become over-excited with embarrassing results.

Never ever ignore your pussy. Remember - a pussy is for life - not just for birthdays.

PENIS V PENIS

Every penis is different. It is unique to that individual, almost like a fingerprint, or a social security number. No one else has a penis like yours. It is one of a kind. You know your penis intimately. You shake hands with it every day, you know all it's secrets, it's likes and dislikes... what makes it excited - and what doesn't. You are old pals. You have fun together. You are a social creature - and so is your penis. Your penis will react to the sight of a pretty girl (or boy) much as you do. Whereas your heartbeat may quicken, your adrenalin levels may increase, and there is a likelihood that you may begin to dribble from the side of your mouth, your penis will become engorged with blood and stand to attention, ready for action. It may also dribble, but this is in now way as offensive as dribbling from ones mouth in a public place.

Your penis is the difference between feeling great about yourself - and feeling not so great about yourself. In my experience, men with a small penis have a tendency to be far more introvert than men with a larger, or average sized penis. Men with a small penis will use a cubicle. Larger hung men will use a stall - and stand well back so his massive penis is in full view of startled and envious onlookers. A small man will slink unobtrusively out of the gentleman's toilet, whereas a large man will often emerge either re-adjusting his penis, or scratching his scrotum - both of which are a good indication that this man has a penis to be proud of.

A man with a large penis will be an extrovert, an exhibitionist, confident and assured in his attitude towards the female (or male) of the species. He will, like a peacock preen himself and display himself to his best advantage, often wearing clothing that enhances the outline of his manhood, to the extent that his movements are restricted, and blood supply is constricted between his crotch and the length of his zipper.

On the other hand, an under-endowed male will prefer to disguise his contentious bone by choosing apparel that is loose, baggy, or out-sized. He will be the proverbial ostrich, burying his head in the sand in the misconception that he will not be seen to be lacking in the bedroom department, whilst maintaining a certain awareness that size is of no importance and that he can grow bigger, whereas a well-hung male can only grow too big.

Whereas a monumental phallus may be pleasurable from an aesthetic viewpoint, to most females (and some males) the thought of this monstrous appendage entering any willing orifice without the administration of local anaesthesia, is quite horrifying.

Aesthetically, a smaller or average-sized phallus, is not so pleasing to the eye, but can be used in any willing orifice without the administration of local anaesthetic.

Personally, I do not like walking around in two halves. It is uncomfortable, and does not look very nice. I have a phobia about needles, and the prospect of my vagina being stretched to fit around the Hubble Telescope does absolutely zero for my libido. I do not like my airway being blocked, nor do I find a dislocated jaw or a prolapsed sphincter particularly enjoyable either.

I therefore rest my case.

CUT LOAVES

I have a preference for cut loaves. That means quite simply, I prefer my men to be circumcised. It may interest you to know, that in Britain, circumcision is the exception rather than the rule. Unless you are Jewish or have a medical problem which facilitates the need for foreskin removal, all men wear the beige-coloured overcoat.

To find a man with his frontal forelimb stripped and polished, is akin to finding a cock-ring in the Queen's handbag. It quite simply doesn't happen. To save myself the bother of looking for men with ringlets, a big nose, and the Star of David swinging from his neck, which outside of London's Golders Green is like looking for a brain cell in idiot, I almost exclusively date men of Middle Eastern of Mediterranean origin.

In the extremely unlikely event that I stumble across a British male that tickles my proverbial fancy I will not tactfully request a full examination of his wedding tackle, but will ensure that the conversation is tastefully drawn toward religious beliefs and practices. "Oh, and by the way did you know that all Muslim men are circumcised?"

I am a very visual woman, and tactile. In the same way that I do not like to look at or touch raw meat, I do not like the feel or the look of baggy foreskin. Male genitalia is not attractive. If you have ever had the misfortune to look upon an uncut loaf, you will see that this only serves to exacerbate the problem. The male pendulum and clockweights should be made to appear as attractive as possible. A male will take the trouble to groom himself, but it is an unfortunately a fact that his happy lamp is often sadly neglected.

Uncut loaves harbour nasty germs. It is medical fact that the circumcised male will suffer far less from urinary infections, than the un-circumcised male. If the male is not particularly scrupulous with regard to personal hygiene, these nasty germs will enter the urinary tract, and you - if you are indiscriminate. Smegma, better known as foreskin feta, will accumulate underneath Kojak's roll-neck and result in a very nasty infection if the male is not scrupulous in performing his personal ablutions.

A cut loaf is visually far more pleasing. If the surrounding area and clockweights are shaven or trimmed, the result makes for far more enjoyable and adventurous sexual relations. A sagging worm in a beige overcoat, poking his nose out of an untrimmed bush, is quite simply, off-putting.

Sex with a kosher dill is far more sensitive. One can see what one is going to get. One can actually feel what one is getting. Sex with an uncut loaf is rather like being fucked by a sausage roll. The sausage moves in and out - but the roll stays inside.

THE TONGUE MUSCLE

The tongue serves it's purpose well not only as an acute sensory organ, but also as the strongest muscle in the human body. The tongue as a sex organ, as a stimulant to pre-intercourse, cannot be improved upon - even by the use of manual or electronic aid.

Nothing compares to the sensation of a tongue being slowly dragged across the flesh of your neck, or flicked across a hard nipple. Imagine a kiss without a tongue. Kiss whoever is closest to you - or if you are desperate - kiss your hand - sans tongue. I just did, and I can tell you the exercise seems pretty pointless - like a car without an engine. Most women, myself included, expect to be teased and stroked prior to the act, but the experience is heightened if the male is well versed in the art of 'tonguing'.

Nibble on my neck, my lips, or my ears, and you will get a reaction - but use your tongue on any of those places and you will ignite Vesuvius. On a stick. With knobs on. Follow the road downward and you will get a reaction of nuclear proportion. Stick around and you will witness a massive trajectory of fallout not expected from such a small and delicate reactor - and you haven't even started yet...

It is advisable to wear protective eye wear to shield yourself from these violent emissions of fallout as they will occur with increasing regularity and intensity. By flicking my clitoris repeatedly with your tongue, you effectively flip the switch that begins countdown for an explosion akin to that of the biggest atomic bomb ever created.

The digging of my fingernails into the flesh of your shoulders and the husky, breathless way in which I instruct you to go faster, slower, harder, or softer, will increase the dimensions of your erectile tissue and incite me to stimulate your sex with my tongue. I will flick and lick and suck and tease until I know you are ready, then I will straddle you and impale myself upon your hard cock, grinding myself hard against you, teasing you by running my tongue over my hot red lips until finally, I explode - and you are left wondering what hit you.

Use it well, and you will know what it is like to survive the H bomb. Use it in a perfunctory manner, or not at all - and I will continue to read my book, de-louse the cat, or file my fingernails.